Survival kit
What skills and attitudinal shifts do Indians need when they settle abroad

By Meha Mathur
A mundane discussion in an East Delhi shop provided spark and fodder for this story. The owner was comparing notes with another customer, as to how expensive it is to get a haircut done overseas. And then she added with a glee, “Had it been a western country, all these chairs we just got repaired would have been replaced rather than repaired, because labour cost is so high. It makes more economical sense to buy new ones instead.”

Instantly this conversation brought home the point how much dependent Indians are for their existence on an army of workers. While US companies outsourcing jobs to India makes headlines, Indians have outsourced each and every household task to their fellow citizens. When did you last repair your faulty plug point? Or mend a chocked wash basin? Or lay the flooring? Or, for that matter, when did you – and me – last knit a sweater or darned a sock? Well, our cousins out their in Michigan and Illinois are performing most of these tasks, and not feeling demeaned at that.

Surbhi Bhatia, a journalist now settled in Canada, says, “There is no job that is considered low. Hence whosoever is working for you will be charging you heavily. More the amount of physical work involved, more it is going to cost, like moving furniture, mending your clothes, mending your taps or daily electric needs like changing bulbs, tube lights, correcting a small default in car etc. So be prepared to do a lot of work on your own. You become jack of all trades and sometimes you may master all the trades.” She adds, “We never realise that we have a strong support system around us in India right from our Chhotu who does all the household job, to the rickshaw walah who takes us to our desired destination, to our father who manages our finances. Once out, these people will not be there and you have to take your own decisions right from selecting a job to preparing a meal.”

Swati Thakore, a former bank professional from Indore, now settled in New Jersey, echoes the same sentiments when she says, “When I visit my in-laws in Mumbai now, I get irritated by the constant ringing of doorbells, the constant coming and going of maids, plumber, electrician etc, and the family’s daily happiness depending upon the maid’s arrival. Till the maid arrives, there’s emergency at home. Once the family is assured that the maid has come, all restrictions regarding use of glasses and cups are removed. In India people degrade the household help so much.”

Home alone
Durga with many hands is how Swati likens herself to. “I have learnt to take charge. Today, I am capable of handling any number of tasks, and cook for any number of guests, single-handedly.” Swati says that life in the US has brought meaning to what her mother used to say, “An Indian woman should know how to handle all responsibilities.” It’s not just Indian women who are handling multiple responsibilities with élan. Men-folk pool in too. If the wife is preparing breakfast, husbands get kids ready for school. Tessy Koshy, who shifted to Dubai with her husband Pawan Sehgal to Dubai in 2008, says, “One learns to multi task and both spouses need to contribute to the household. Kids also learn to become independent. Making a sandwich when mum is not around or washing your own clothes are things that I see older kids doing here.”

Swati’s husband Dharmesh, associated with a French Investment Bank, does all the maintenance chores too – like fixing door knobs, changing wiring, and fixing nails on the wall. In fact, says Swati, that more experienced Indian friends also lay the flooring themselves, to save 50 per cent of cost.

A tool box is always at hand for these tasks in the Thakore household, as also in the Parimal household in the US. Jyoti Parimal, a Delhiite who settled in the US in 1995 after marriage to investment professional Parimal, says that for every task there’s an appliance, and to that extent life is streamlined. “It’s an advanced society electronically. There’s an instrument which helps me assess whether a painting is straight or tilted. I lay my own garden and for that I get the soil prepared, with all the fertilisers… But the bottomline is that you need humans to operate those gadgets, someone to take out the dishes from machine and put them on the rack, for instance.” You are responsible for each and every task, the onus is on you, she says.

On the steering wheel
This means that the sooner you learn to control the steering, the better. You need to be in control of steering, literally too. Jyoti says that in suburban US, you have to drive, for every single household need. There is simply no alternative because the distances are too much and there’s no public transport. No matter that you possess the most beaten car. Swati says that her life revolves around picking and dropping her two sons from one class to another – basketball, dance, etc, and driving as necessary as learning your basic cooking. Students get driving lessons in higher classes and get driving permit in college. Of course, Swati adds in a teasing tone that husbands have had it tougher during the driving tests because they didn’t have any precedent to fall back on, and the wives have learnt from the mistakes that
husbands made, and have got their license faster.

But there’s a surprise factor. You might spot Indian kids cycling down from one class to another in an Indian city, but in the US, law forbids parents leaving kids alone on roads till they are 10. The flip side, says Swati, is that her 12-year-old son doesn’t have any geography sense. She rues that while she traveled on her own from Indore to Delhi as a high school student, she doesn’t feel confident about letting her son travel within the city.

Street smart
Strange then, that grown-up Westerners, especially Europeans, are way ahead of us in reading signage, and making sense of new cities during travel. In fact, Indians fare poorly in this regard, compared to even other Asian nationals. I learnt it the hard way during my Germany tour. All other members of the group could fathom train timings, bus routes and general directions by reading maps and instructions. Not for me, those tools. This quintessential Indian relied on the age-old Indian technique of stopping passers-by to ask for directions. Of course, I will have to admit, in some circumstances, like when you run the risk of missing a train, it helps to ask questions, rather than opening a book to make a guess game. The West can learn a trick or two from us, just as Indians can take practical geography lessons from them.

Language lessons
Equally important is to take language lessons. Surbhi’s husband Bhishm Gogia, working with Canadian Railways, says, “When you arrive in a new country, you need to be well- versed with the lingua franca of the world i.e. English. You will need it for your daily communication with employers, colleagues, taxi drivers, salesperson, friends, storekeepers etc. If you apply for a job, you need to be fluent in both written and spoken English or else you will be spending a hefty amount in going through language course.”

The unsaid
The most important skill is to learn the social norms - nuances of what is accepted and not accepted – even if it’s not stated in so many words. Agreed, the very upbringing in the West and East is different, and certain cultural gaps can’t be bridged. On German trains and buses, the most startling aspect one noticed were babies with vacant look in their eyes lying non-responsive in their prams, their mothers not caring to cuddle them in the biting cold.

From that early initiation emerges the culture of non-interference and the concept of private space. So much so that Swati must take an appointment if her kids wish to play with neighbouring family’s kids, and also recalls being reprimanded by neighbours once, because her children, while learning to walk with the help of a walker at home, were disturbing the lady next door. One remembers journalist Vir Sanghvi’s article in the Hindustan Times on his experience during his journey back to India when nine-year-old American kids spent their time during the long flight reading, while a family with Indian kids kept the air hostesses on tenterhooks, with one kid even attempting to open the plane door!

These are some basic differences in approach. Still, if you are settling down in a foreign country, the onus of coming as close to the host country’s culture is on you. What time should you arrive for a party in the US, in Germany, in Australia? What appropriate words and gestures to use for greetings, apologies, etc? How do you greet your friend, his wife and his toddler daughter (please don’t molly-cuddle the child at any cost)? What gift do you give to the family? Should you get pally, or should you retain an air of formality? Should family matters be discussed with colleagues? Should you pack Indian cuisine for lunch each day to office? These small pointers will largely define your social success quotient. And the sooner you learn these cultural nuances, the better it’s for your survival.

Tessy says the most important social norm is the respect for other nationalities and their differences in the way they dress up, speak and eat. In India I find people stare and snigger at you if you don't seem to merge with the crowd. Swati recalls visiting a beach, where she was ashamed to find a group of Indians creating such ruckus at the sight of bikini-clad women that it instantly left a disgusting impression about Indians. Swati goes a step further and propounding the ‘When in Rome, do as Romans do’, says if you are not comfortable in swim suits, don’t go to beaches, because it’s odd to visit such a location in salwar kameez and sarees. In this regard, she says, one can take a lesson from other Asians nationals, including Pakistanis, who, if they don’t feel comfortable in certain attire or with alcohol, don’t visit those places.

Like Swati, the others have all been groomed in Indian lifestyle, but are thankful for the new-found independence. Surbhi puts it beautifully, “I guess when you stay away in a foreign country you get closer to yourself. I got to know my strengths of being organised, punctual and talking to people when I came to Canada, which I would have never realised back in India.”